For the past few months, I have felt emotionally detached from my prayers. I still prayed, but most of the time it was me apathetically begging for God to light that passion again. I remember telling Him many times that I would not give up and that I would beg him for years and years if necessary. Of course, there were times when I felt discouraged that I might never feel a deep connection ever again while praying, but I had to fight those lies with the hope that my Father will never give up on me and never wants to harm me. I put my hope in that transcending peace God delivers in prayer.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)
One of the things I constantly asked God was that if it was in His will and timing, that He would restore that passion by August. It was a big deal to me because I knew that Awakening would be having our month of prayer in August and I did not want to miss out on the powerful emotional connections I believed could transpire during this time. Also, I admit, I did not want to be bored-out-of-my-mind distracted during the month of August because I was too apathetic to be able to focus on praying.
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him” – 1 John 5:14-15 (NIV)
On the first Sunday in August, which started our month of prayer at Awakening, I looked at a book of mine called Partners in Prayer and thought, “Maybe this will inspire me.” I was desperate at that point because I still was not feeling that God had restored my passion to intimately communicate with him. So, I randomly decided to start reading that book. After two chapters I was on my knees praising God for answering my prayer. It was perfect timing. I had one of the most incredible nights ever at Awakening that night. I cannot remember the last time I was so happy to spend so much time talking to God.
Now, I am not recommending this book, saying that it will refuel everyone’s passion for prayer. That is not the point I am getting at. The book was just simply the way God knew how to speak to me. He knows best how to open my eyes, and He gave me a good peak at the journey He is walking me through. I am not saying I am fully restored in that passion, but God is definitely working on my heart.
Five days after this incredible experience with God, I received a call from my parents saying that our camping trip was canceled because they had to fly out to Indiana to support my oldest sister. She was two and a half months pregnant and the baby’s heart stopped beating. My parents were a mess and my sister was devastated. Had this happened a week earlier, I would have been freaking out and not knowing what to do with myself. But because of God’s great timing and preparation, I fell to my knees in prayer and surrender. Nothing else seemed logical to me.
The following Sunday, some people prayed for my family and one of them had the urge of faith to pray that God would make that baby’s heart beat again. I was so shocked because I could not figure out why the heck I had not thought to pray for that.
That night I ended up going home and praying until about two in the morning for God to perform a miracle. I sent a text to my sister that I was praying for that. I also asked her before she went into surgery, to ask them to check the heart beat one more time. I had full faith that if it was in God’s will, He would do it! Later that morning, she responded saying how inspired she was by my prayers, and that if she had not already started the miscarriage process she would have definitely asked them to check the baby’s heart again.
I am not upset that God did not create a miracle, because I trust His perfect plan. The point is that His Spirit is at work in me. I am a work in progress, and I love knowing that. I am excited to see where God will take me next and I am hopeful He has something great planned for my sister. If you are ever in a place of disconnect or confusion, just remember He is never going to give up on you. You can trust in Him. Even when things seem really ugly, He has a plan for your benefit. He wants to be there for you. He wants to work in you and change your heart. Not so He can control you but so that you can go through life with hope, faith, and love. “Taste and see that the Lord is good…” – Psalm 34:8
Author: Brittany Brown